Two Sides of ME is a poem about living with CFS/ME (Chronic Fatigue Syndrome/Myalgic Encephalitis) written from my own personal experiences living with the condition.
♡
When you look at me, what is it you see?
Would you ever think there’s two sides to me?
Beneath the surface sleeps a cruel beast
One never seen by the fast paced living
It comes in the silence when I am alone
It brings with it a pain you’ll never know
Abandoning me, crippled invisibly
Leaving me tormented … I can’t prove it.
Words I commonly hear aimed towards me,
“She looks completely fine, just ignore her.”
“Just man up, get over it, you’ll be fine.”
“There is nothing wrong, you’re making it up.”
And trust me when I say you’ve no idea
How it feels to have your whole life snuffed out
And have all of your dreams taken away
So all that is left is crushing despair
There was a time I could do anything
I could run a mile and walk forever
If somebody told me ‘you can’t do it’
Then I would make damned sure I’d prove them wrong
That was then, and now it’s so different
When I wake, it’s in wretched agony
All of my bones feel broken and shattered
Everything just hurts and aches so much
My skin feels bruised and my head is pounding
I want to move, I can’t, so I must wait
Until the paralysis of pain finally ebbs
I don’t know now, is it morning or ‘noon?
Impossible to stand, too raw to sit
I feel like a puppet with broken strings
Or at the mercy of cruel puppeteers
Still, I remain in this silent limbo
This is the least of who I really am
A condition born from the suffering
And cruelty of human ignorance
That I’ve endured and which feeds the beast
Did I mention there’s the sickening fear?
The anxiety or the the depression
The life I’ve lost, the friends that left with it
All gifts of isolation the demon brings
And when the day finally fades to night
I think once again of falling asleep
It’s ironic, I’m so exhausted
I try to sleep, insomnia kicks in
I’ll spend all of the darkest witching hours
Trying to sleep as I wanted all day
To escape at last from pain and torment
Knowing that tomorrow will be the same
People ask how I am, I wonder why
It is not that they care for me at all
It is not answers that they want to hear
I’d open up … conversation’s moved on
All my pain, all my words, silenced again
Yet here I am, broken and exhausted
Trapped in a war with my own existence
A never-ending fight you’ll never know
But I won’t ever let you see my tears
It is not what you want to see of me
It’s not what you want to hear either
So I’ll pour myself another cup of coffee
I’ll do my hair and put my makeup on
And I’ll continue saying that I’m okay
This facade has long since been my armour
There’s two sides of me, only one you see
