Demons is a poem written in the confessional style. It came about as a response to having to deal with sensitive topics that don’t come with a trigger warning. Rather than trying to explain why topics might need a warning, I chose to write from the position of being triggered late at night and my battle with PTSD and dissociation that happened as a result.
It’s a side of me that I seldom let the world see and it felt surprisingly empowering and cathartic to be so raw and write so openly – and to share this with my class as part of a workshopping session.
Midnight.
I can’t sleep.
My thoughts are spiralling
Thoughts that are meant to be locked away.
My demons.
My demons.
One born from innocence lost
Of a childhood destroyed by another
Another
Created by the ignorance of the world
That caused me to lose my voice
My voice
A demon of its own
To use it brings out the pain
I need my demons to sleep
But it’s midnight
And I’m smoking again
You see I waged a war on these demons all my life
And I had fled the land they were born
And I created a sanctuary here.
Didn’t you know?
Oh right… my voice
It was silenced
In the place I left behind
By the ignorance and all the gaslighting
But I put it all behind.
I thought.
I hoped.
I prayed.
The demons should never have crossed the border.
I spent years creating this safe haven
I was careful and diligent in avoiding things that would make those demons come here.
But now the fire is lit
In this place that was meant to be my sanctuary.
The fire is raging
And the demons have found me.
I have to read. I have to engage.
And sometimes there aren’t warnings.
I need those warnings.
It’s important to talk about these things.
Sometimes.
Sometimes it’s best to leave those things out too.
When I read words, I see images.
Words can be ignored.
But images can’t.
They play in my mind.
My mind is visual
And I’m cursed with photographic memory.
I was good.
I did my work.
I wanted to be good.
And now it’s all I can see
If I close my eyes
It fills my mind.
Why wasn’t there a warning this time?
I can’t.
I don’t want to…
My sanctuary is defiled
Haunted
I can’t stop shaking
Can’t stop the tears
It’s in my stomach
My heart…
My heart was broken.
Literally broken.
It doesn’t work properly anymore
Because of those demons
What happened to me…
I don’t want to exist after these nights.
I just wanted to sleep.
But the images are on loop.
Sleep is my escape
Someone else’s words — my reality
My memories.
My demons.
My life…
So many demons.
My demons.
I can’t escape them
They’re awake and so hungry.
Delighting in my pain
Ravenous for more
I lasted six years without them
I thought I was free
Those memories are unbound
God you can’t imagine how much it hurts
Those memories were never meant to be witnessed again.
Not by anyone.
Especially not by me.
I did my work
But now my trauma is ravaging my mind.
Some want to talk about it
But I have to avoid it.
I have to avoid it.
How do I shut it up now?
How do I make my demons sleep again?
I’m only halfway through…
How do I make it through the rest?
There’s going to be more
More to fuel the summoning fire
More words to feed the demons?
I just want to sleep.
I can’t sleep.
So I smoke instead.
Thank god I kept some tobacco for these nights.
I’ve learnt you see.
I’ve been here before.
too many times.
And there’s no one to make this pain go away
There’s no balm to heal these wounds.
And so I write these words.
But don’t ask me to read them.
My voice is broken.
I can’t.
I’m too weak.
Too pathetic and useless to speak them
Don’t make me speak them.
I can’t unsee it.
Why did I keep reading?
Whose story was I finishing?
Does it get better?
It’s so dark.
Everything is dark.
The darkness is inside me now.
From the news to the stories
From the words upon so many peoples tongues
To the the discourse
The discord
I can’t think straight.
I thought I could write it
Thought I could explain it
But when I get too close
My mind
It is … it is… what is it?
The gaps
The other demons
What are the words I need?
The demons posses them.
I want to say how I feel
But the pain
The pain that’s scarred my body
It breaks
My mind
It falters
Stutters
Fuck.
Not again.
Shit.
How long did I space out for?
I’m so fucking useless
I wanted to tell you…
Roll another cigarette
There’s only one filter left too.
Fuck.
It’s so long until the dawn.
The revelation
I don’t want to remember
The nightmare
I was trying to escape it
It’s there
It’s right there
On the edge of my mind
If only I could —
But I can’t—
I can’t.
