I’ve been kinda flagging with writing and blogging lately. I don’t know what it is about October/November, but every year without fail, I get totally de-railed in these months. My brain can’t function or think. I can’t even explain what it is…it’s just…Nothingness? A gaping abyss has opened in my right hemisphere, sucked out every ounce of inspiration and creativity and is ravenous for more?
The worst part, I have so many projects on the go too, and I can’t string a single thought together for a single one of them. Just countless hours staring at the document before giving up and switching the computer back off. Normally in November, I’d be doing NaNoWriMo which would at least stave off creative drought until mid-December to January. Last year was a real battle to finish it, so I decided for the sake of my mental health, I shouldn’t even try it this year.
Around the end of December (much earlier this year), I start looking at things like “365 prompts for writers” or “52 week challenge for writers” as a solution to break through the writing rut, but instead end up thoroughly pissed off and depressed. They’re all the same for starters, but there’s no option for someone who was/is a loner and doesn’t have 90% of the experiences required to do the challenge. They’re pretty much only geared up for someone who’s lived the conventional life.
Q – Write about a childhood party:
A – There was one, but I was so unpopular I didn’t even get any cake…and it was my birthday party.
Q – Write about your childhood best friend:
A – …That backstabbing C that…. ANYWAY.
Q – What’s your earliest childhood memory:
A – Seriously, that’s a story NO ONE wants to know, let alone read.
Q – Dig out a photo from ten years ago and write about what’s going on:
A – There isn’t a single photo of me – digital or physical – ten years ago. There isn’t a shred of evidence to prove my existence passed five years ago… People didn’t want my pictures.
Q – Write about a relationship:
A – Ha. Ha ha ha ha ha. Why is there no option for ‘life as a spinster’?
Q – Pretend you’re a tourist in your own town etc:
A – Like… I have social anxiety, agoraphobia etc and just… don’t go anywhere. Also, it reminds me I’m a total loner as I never go anywhere with people and never have, so even without the anxiety, I still wouldn’t be going out.*
Q – Contemplate your future…
And that’s enough of that. Probably too much of it.
This is the third year of looking at various other blog sites that reel off lists and my opinion is still the same about them. I’ve come to the conclusion that it isn’t okay to write about the nitty-gritty of life, the bullshit, betrayals and hurt…and if that’s pretty much all your life and memories are made up of, then you shouldn’t be writing because no one gives a shit.
But why not? I feel I should make my own list… but considering I’m looking at other lists for inspiration as my brain is on mega-derp mode, that’s a futile idea itself. Maybe I will in the future. “52 Weeks of Reflection Challenge for Writers – A challenge to question the darker side of reality” (coming soon.)
The lists do make me wonder though. What would my life be like if I’d had friends through school? What would it be like if I’d experienced the stuff other kids go to? Parties, sleep-overs, road trips when the world was still full of mystery and possibilities, going on dates, kissing under the mistletoe… or whatever? (I don’t actually know what kids and teenagers do, I was in the library being all nerdy.)
What would life be like if I could work, even if I hated the job? Friends that live close enough to meet for coffee, or enough money to go live by my friends? If I had a boyfriend? If I didn’t go a month or longer without speaking a word? What would it be like if my life wasn’t so chaotic, nightmarish and lonely that the few wonderful memories I do have weren’t drowned in darkness or silenced by demons?
Writing is something that comes from involvement in the world. Having a place in the world, society and the community. Stories are born from the connections you have with other people – friends or strangers passing by. Being pranked/pulling pranks, goofing around with others and generally talking. What if the world rejects you? What if you’ve lived the same nightmare for over twenty years and can’t even imagine a world where things change?
*Has anyone ever noticed that if you do something solo, say go to the beach or a garden/house in the care of a trust, people STARE at you like you have something seriously wrong with you? Or is really obvious when you’re somewhere alone because you’ve chosen to do so, or because you just don’t have anyone to go with.
Bonus writing prompt – Write your “week in review”:
Same as last week…did nothing, went nowhere. Bloody cold; have discovered adding cubes of cheese to soup was a really good idea. (But not red Leicester, the flavour doesn’t reall cut through enough.)
…Too much?
