I was always the kid that was in love with love. I always dreamt of finding that perfect person, my soul mate, my twin flame. All the way through school and adolescence, I was searching for him, falling deeply in and out of lust with various people over the years until one day my eyes locked onto this other being.
He was so beautiful, eyes so brown and deep my soul fell straight out of this reality. Time stopped, the world vanished, my heart raced and a fever took over me, and for a moment that was both an eternity and no time at all, there was nothing else in existence but us two. Not even physical bodies, just two souls pulled from a physical existence. Then it was over, I was back in the room feeling incredibly faint and weird, and we both continued on our way like nothing happened. And perhaps for him, nothing happened. To this day I can’t explain what happened to me, or why. All I knew then was that I’d heard a cold, chilling voice telling me he was the one and I’d never truly love another and that we would never be together.
There was so much weird stuff after that encounter as well. if ever I was close in proximity to him, I’d be drawn towards as though some unseen force had taken over me, or my soul was magnetised to him. My feet would carry me towards him, or an unseen hand would turn my head to look at him. Always I’d see those enchanting brown eyes looking back at me, a reflection of my own distant, confused expression as our paths crossed.
It also felt wrong, it was never the magnetism go two being inexplicably drawn to each other, but of two positives or two negatives being pushed together. To a point, they’ll pull towards each other, but then they will violently jerk away or simply slide past each other. Hardly the sensation that fills you with confidence. I wanted to ask him about it, not as a desperate attempt at love, but as someone who may or may not have been suffering the same crazy stuff I was. I didn’t have anyone else I could ask.
We never talked. I don’t know what Fortuna has against me, but it was a constant string of disasters and embarrassments for myself. People who weren’t really friends made a further fool of me that fate alone could manage…and I really did look like the worst freak you can visualise. I wouldn’t have spoken to me either.
Then there were the dreams where he would be present. Right at the beginning, there were so many. I was going through a really bad time, and it was like this person was watching over me, making sure I wouldn’t end it all and chasing the nightmares away. I wanted to know so badly if they were two-way dreams, and still, do.
They got less over time; mostly I wanted to forget all about that person. I wished I’d never seen them, wished I could rip my heart out or force it to obey my mind; and for a time I would forget all about him, maybe even for years. But, surer than the sun will rise, a night would come when, for no reason and no prior conjuration, he would come back to me. I’d wake up in a fever, every single memory once again un-locked.
Still no explanation. Still so many questions. Who was he? What was he? Was he my twin flame? A soul mate? Why did we meet? Is it a past life thing? Am I just insane? All I could do was start the process of suppressing the memories and forcing all thoughts of him away again, each time it happened.
Over ten years later from that encounter, I often look back and wonder what happened to that sweet, innocent little girl that just wanted to live in paradise, fulfil her every dream and be totally enthralled in love, or even to the slightly messed up, goth teenager that still wanted to find love even among the chaos and constantly fought for the light.
I don’t know what love feels like, and that little girl that would never have gone back and changed anything, dreamt of Disney princes and may have met her true love – she simply wants to find a strong enough banishment spell to forget that person, or one that will turn back time to never meet that person. Or if one such spell existed, it would be one to entirely obliterate her soul from all existence.
In all I’ve read about twin flames, it seems that both know and recognise the other even if they aren’t “together” at any one time. I never got the vibe from him that he had shared in that strange awakening or experience. I feel like that encounter and all that happened after was purely one-sided which would put him right out of the twin flame category.
There would be times, sometimes even now, where I’ll have a sense of Deja vu, and its like I’m living across to realities. I’m fully aware of the present and where I am, and also of this other vision where I’m looking for him to walk into the room, or I’ll look at my phone because the Deja vu showed he was calling/texting me, and those things never happened. It’s like something is broken and wrong.
I sometimes wonder it was something else going on, though quite what I’ve never worked out. Maybe it was some strange crossing of several realities, times and existence, and at that moment I wasn’t looking at that person, but someone else looking through that person as a vessel. Maybe someone that looks similar to the person they used as a portal. Who knows. I’ve done all sorts to try and debunk the situation and to make it something so ludicrous it looses power.
