It’s a side of me that I seldom let the world see and it felt surprisingly empowering and cathartic to be so raw and write so openly – and to share this with my class as part of a workshopping session.

Midnight.
I can’t sleep.
My thoughts are spiralling
Thoughts that are meant to be locked away.

My demons.

My demons.
One born from innocence lost
Of a childhood destroyed by another

Another
Created by the ignorance of the world
That caused me to lose my voice

My voice
A demon of its own
To use it brings out the pain

I need my demons to sleep
But it’s midnight
And I’m smoking again

You see I waged a war on these demons all my life
And I had fled the land they were born
And I created a sanctuary here.

Didn’t you know?
Oh right… my voice
It was silenced

In the place I left behind
By the ignorance and all the gaslighting
But I put it all behind.

I thought.
I hoped.
I prayed.

The demons should never have crossed the border.

I spent years creating this safe haven
I was careful and diligent in avoiding things that would make those demons come here.
But now the fire is lit
In this place that was meant to be my sanctuary.
The fire is raging
And the demons have found me.

I have to read. I have to engage.
And sometimes there aren’t warnings.
I need those warnings.
It’s important to talk about these things.

Sometimes.

Sometimes it’s best to leave those things out too.

When I read words, I see images.
Words can be ignored.
But images can’t.
They play in my mind.
My mind is visual
And I’m cursed with photographic memory.

I was good.
I did my work.
I wanted to be good.

And now it’s all I can see
If I close my eyes
It fills my mind.
Why wasn’t there a warning this time?

I can’t.
I don’t want to…
My sanctuary is defiled
Haunted
I can’t stop shaking
Can’t stop the tears
It’s in my stomach
My heart…

My heart was broken.
Literally broken.
It doesn’t work properly anymore
Because of those demons
What happened to me…

I don’t want to exist after these nights.

I just wanted to sleep.
But the images are on loop.
Sleep is my escape
Someone else’s words — my reality
My memories.
My demons.
My life…
So many demons.

My demons.
I can’t escape them
They’re awake and so hungry.
Delighting in my pain
Ravenous for more

I lasted six years without them
I thought I was free

Those memories are unbound
God you can’t imagine how much it hurts
Those memories were never meant to be witnessed again.
Not by anyone.
Especially not by me.

I did my work
But now my trauma is ravaging my mind.
Some want to talk about it
But I have to avoid it.
I have to avoid it.

How do I shut it up now?
How do I make my demons sleep again?
I’m only halfway through…
How do I make it through the rest?

There’s going to be more
More to fuel the summoning fire
More words to feed the demons?
I just want to sleep.
I can’t sleep.
So I smoke instead.

Thank god I kept some tobacco for these nights.
I’ve learnt you see.
I’ve been here before.

too many times.
And there’s no one to make this pain go away
There’s no balm to heal these wounds.

And so I write these words.
But don’t ask me to read them.
My voice is broken.
I can’t.
I’m too weak.
Too pathetic and useless to speak them
Don’t make me speak them.

I can’t unsee it.
Why did I keep reading?
Whose story was I finishing?
Does it get better?
It’s so dark.
Everything is dark.
The darkness is inside me now.

From the news to the stories
From the words upon so many peoples tongues
To the the discourse
The discord

I can’t think straight.

I thought I could write it
Thought I could explain it
But when I get too close
My mind
It is … it is… what is it?
The gaps
The other demons
What are the words I need?
The demons posses them.

I want to say how I feel
But the pain
The pain that’s scarred my body
It breaks
My mind
It falters
Stutters
Fuck.
Not again.

Shit.
How long did I space out for?
I’m so fucking useless
I wanted to tell you…

Roll another cigarette
There’s only one filter left too.
Fuck.
It’s so long until the dawn.

The revelation
I don’t want to remember
The nightmare
I was trying to escape it

It’s there
It’s right there
On the edge of my mind
If only I could —

But I can’t—

I can’t.

Original article: Demons.

♡

When you look at me, what is it you see?
Would you ever think there’s two sides to me?
Beneath the surface sleeps a cruel beast
One never seen by the fast paced living
It comes in the silence when I am alone
It brings with it a pain you’ll never know
Abandoning me, crippled invisibly
Leaving me tormented … I can’t prove it.

Words I commonly hear aimed towards me,
“She looks completely fine, just ignore her.”
“Just man up, get over it, you’ll be fine.”
“There is nothing wrong, you’re making it up.”
And trust me when I say you’ve no idea
How it feels to have your whole life snuffed out
And have all of your dreams taken away
So all that is left is crushing despair

There was a time I could do anything
I could run a mile and walk forever
If somebody told me ‘you can’t do it’
Then I would make damned sure I’d prove them wrong
That was then, and now it’s so different
When I wake, it’s in wretched agony
All of my bones feel broken and shattered
Everything just hurts and aches so much

My skin feels bruised and my head is pounding
I want to move, I can’t, so I must wait
Until the paralysis of pain finally ebbs
I don’t know now, is it morning or ‘noon?
Impossible to stand, too raw to sit
I feel like a puppet with broken strings
Or at the mercy of cruel puppeteers
Still, I remain in this silent limbo

This is the least of who I really am
A condition born from the suffering
And cruelty of human ignorance
That I’ve endured and which feeds the beast
Did I mention there’s the sickening fear?
The anxiety or the the depression
The life I’ve lost, the friends that left with it
All gifts of isolation the demon brings

And when the day finally fades to night
I think once again of falling asleep
It’s ironic, I’m so exhausted
I try to sleep, insomnia kicks in
I’ll spend all of the darkest witching hours
Trying to sleep as I wanted all day
To escape at last from pain and torment
Knowing that tomorrow will be the same

People ask how I am, I wonder why
It is not that they care for me at all
It is not answers that they want to hear
I’d open up … conversation’s moved on
All my pain, all my words, silenced again
Yet here I am, broken and exhausted
Trapped in a war with my own existence
A never-ending fight you’ll never know

But I won’t ever let you see my tears
It is not what you want to see of me
It’s not what you want to hear either
So I’ll pour myself another cup of coffee
I’ll do my hair and put my makeup on
And I’ll continue saying that I’m okay
This facade has long since been my armour
There’s two sides of me, only one you see

Original article: Two Sides of ME.